Aids awareness much

Today is our companies international aids awareness day -yes we have our very own day set aside to be aware of aids - not to do anything about it – we just need to be aware of it

“hey everybody : aids - you check”

Okay now we can all continue to be apathetic and contribute nothing to solving the problem because we had a special day of awareness.
so what is your contribution to the aids problem in the country?
Well I set a day aside every year to be aware of aids and sometimes a wear a small beaded aids ribbon on my left boob.

The purpose eludes me.

Anyway in celebration of our international aids awareness day they have put up a free condom dispenser in the bathroom - just in case half way through yet another mind numbingly boring purposeless waffle intensive demonstration of managements complete inability to grasp a simple concept - you find yourself uncontrollably attracted to a middle aged balding ample bellied bad smelling brain deficient crumpled suit and can’t resist punishing him right there and then on the board room table ?????

Once again the purpose eludes me??? (maybe if having sex was an option in the realm of shelf dwelling spinsterdom I would think differetly??? or not???)

Anyway I can think of a hundred more useful free dispenser machines to put in a bathroom , free smokes for instance – now that’s useful – or maybe tranquillisers – tablet form for personal use – big game dart guns for middle management ………..naaaice . Tequila ???? tequila would work - I mean if they are promoting sex at work why not drinking – Why can’t I have a ripped bare chested barman and a draught machine ???? in which case maybe we should keep the condom dispenser ……………..

Aaahhh well got to get back to being apathetic – I will leave you with these words – lunch time – 4th floor bathroom – water bombs (so there may be purpose after all)

Evening ociffer

I have had to add yet another group of under achievers to my hit list , along with such prime reprobates as middle management and aerobics instructors , I have now added the traffic department to the list , yes I know we all hate the traffic department , but until now they have been like a minor crotch itch - unpleasant but very amusing when it happens to other people .

Anyway the bastards obviously bored over the weekend since they found out incest had been outlawed are now setting up a road block one km from my house every weekend , effectively blocking access on my auto pilot route - what is up with that shit . when I first came 2 wheeling around the final bend of de waal in the “creates the illusion of speed” red chico and was greeted by a mirage of flashing blue lights and orange road cones I thought maybe they were having a street rave and was about to pull over and start stomping - fortunately the adrenalin reached my brain with sufficient velocity to engage an alternative plan and go hurtling down the off ramp with strained normalcy - sufficiently paranoid to expect a flurry of sirens to come bolting after me - but fortunately for me they had ample backlog not to have noticed the red streek with the crazed looking driver cackling evilly to herself at her genius – bulleting away in her perceived road chase – only to find mild disappointment when she realised her big brush with the law was not even a brush - in fact it didn’t even leave an impression - in fact she generated pretty much as much interest as a pork chop at a bahmitzfah (don’t get me wrong child prodigy had no intention on becoming bubba’s bitch – its kind of like one of those things like when you fantasise about getting spanked but would beat the shit out of any penis warrior that attempted it )

So anyway have had to make alternative arrangements for nights out (of course not drinking is not an option - that would just be a silly idea) such ingenious plans as building a tunnel, learning to fly and buying a tank, although brilliant and flawless at 3 in the morning have had to give way to more reasonable ones like pushing your car through the road block - okay kidding , I will admit it ……………….. had to bite the bullet and put in a “come fetch me “ call ………..NANCY

Dead woman walking

Sorry for the lack of entries have been feeling decidedly crap of late - been feeling a little like a bug post high speed windshield encounter , road kill on a humid day , the sacrificial virgin post volcano plummet ………… if you know what I am saying ………….. my body finally gave up and gave me the finger - My organs (my liver being the ring leader) not willing to accept defeat after numerous failed escape attempts decided to take me down with them and give me the ass whupping of a life time – I didn’t stand a chance (farting against thunder and all that ) - would like to say I felt sick as a dog – but where the hell that saying comes from god alone knows – I don’t think I have ever seen a sick dog – and besides if you did see a sick dog – how would you know ??? They are all deliriously happy and tail waggy with the nauseating naivety of middle management only, I think , slightly more intelligent as I am told they can be house trained (the dogs )

Anyway – I think that maybe I have been pinting to much of late (yes I never though I would hear the words myself – I mean how much is too much???? how long is a piece of string???? How many rounds of ammunition would it take to eliminate management on a middle level?????? ) Have started attending meetings for alcoholics anonymous - I think this is a positive step considering my situation – so far have managed to get 20% of the other attendees back on booze and pretty sure I will be able to sway the rest of them in a couple of weeks . If I am going down you are all going down with me

*prost*

Phantom : a perspective

In an attempt to muster some culture (apparently swigging beer from a bottle and swearing profusely goes a long way to scar an image of refinement ) I dragged my sorry ass – clad in frock - to go see the phantom of the opera - was brilliant (being tone deaf , child prodigy well impressed by anyone that can sing in tune ) However , we can all bleat endlessly about the exceptional performance but wad of is not the place for theatrical review - we review peripherals and flaws in human nature (naaaice )

The evening began rather clumsily in that giving that pre show cigarette the precedence it deserves we arrived somewhat tardily for the seating and as luck would have it our seats were dead centre so we had to mission past a million grumpy bastards, you would be amazed at how put out people get when they have to sway a gargantuan thigh out the way (suppose if you are that size it does put a degree of pressure on the heart) so anyway I had to kick a couple of shins and stand on some feet while nodding politely and smiling (being vindictive is an art – apparently you can do anything as long as you smile and nod) anyway , on taking our seats we were pleased to find that “Water on the brain” the 6 foot freak of nature had managed to secure the seat in front of us – in a theatre that big – the living head managed to acquire a the spot in our direct line of vision (apparently fat heads are attracted to short people like a fat kid to a pie ) so immediately one develops neck cramp while contorting oneself into positions the kamasutra doesn’t even cover to get a glimpse of the stage .

Whats more Gerry (atric) and his wife were sitting next to me (with there after dinner mints) - sporadically smashing an after 8 down their throats with chameleon like stealth resulting in opera interspersed with paper crinkling and throat clearing (the remix) and what’s worse the wrinkly bastards didn’t even offer me one - I thought that’s what old people did – offer their sweets – what is up with the world – has it become such a cold and selfish place that old people don’t even share there sweets anymore (cat food and old age home for the lot of them , the wrinkly bastards) and then to add to my already mounting distaste for the antiques - turns out Gerry is a slow mover so come interval the possibility of vacating the theatre becomes obstructed by a flurry of confusion (shall we go left , shall we go right , *shuffle Shuffle*) oh goodness we dropped the after eights (*shuffle Shuffle*) – do you have your jacket dear (*shuffle Shuffle*) ….time was moving so slowly I could feel myself aging and of course the pre show beer that had been heralding it presence with severe cramping throughout the first half had now coerced my bladder into making a break for it and going it alone (*vein throbbing*)

Also , for some reason they did not have a golden circle , or a mosh pit (you could really get down to some serious moshing and stage diving to that shit ) - also they didn't search you for alcohol or weapons on the way in??? ......... they did however warn us that to protect the performers - photographic equipment would not be allowed - (???? what??? in case someone throws a camera at them ???) – but that aside ........what is up with that ? what kind of show doesn’t have a golden circle or a mosh pit - you got to worry about the path entertainment is taking today (the bar didn’t even sell shorts ??????? )

The opera is certainly not for sissy’s it’s a bun fight with wrinklies – stealth missions to the toilet – and hours trapped in a basement trying to get out of the parking after the show – have sewn appropriate scout badge on to party g-string to commemorate my accomplishment

The land of the Free(ks)

I watched Bowling for Columbine last night – hell what an eye opener - I always had a perception that the common or garden American was thick as a plank – I just didn’t realise the thickness of the plank nor the density of the forest - MY GOD - the ignorance that runs rife it that country is mind boggling . and because they have no concept of life beyond their country (other than the name of the particular country they are either dropping a bomb on that week or trying to install an American friendly ruler in as the previously installed CIA trained terrorists have cottoned on to the hypocrisy of the nation and refuse to be Americanised ) they have to resorted to killing each other . It’s a gun happy nation – you buy guns at K mart - *I will have a coca cola and a semi automatic please* I have always believed there is nothing more dangerous than stupidity in numbers - now I am faced with armed stupidity in numbers .

The media have turned them into a paranoid nation living on fear - where any and all violence is defended under the guise of protection – seldom do they even research whether there is a real threat – shoot first ask questions later – divert media attention if we fuck up . America is like that rich kid whose house you always go hang out at because he has all the cool toys – but you can’t stand the winy little shit and take every opportunity to poke him or hit him when his mothers not looking and get filled with a warm fuzzy feeling every time he trips on something and hits his head.

So we have a high (like the top shelf to a midget ) crime rate here and are dealing with the repercussions of past inequality - but at least we are managing it publicly without misconceptions or a need to put lipstick on the bulldog – we are what we are – and we sure as shit have more brain capacity in the local roach population than they have in their average small town . In any event its good to know the winy little bastard that professes to be the greatest nation on earth is just as troubled , more psychologically fucked up and in contravention of a shit load more crime against humanity over their sordid past then we will ever be .

Amandla (proudly south African……… .going to see if I can get one of those special stamps and sell myself – maybe on sea point main road????)

Newton's law pissing on my battery

The lift is still out – what is up with that shit – by the end of this week I am going to be able to bounce bullets off my ass – I mean how long does it take to fix a lift – we are not talking about space technology over here – not performing brain surgery – it’s a lift - a couple of cables and a pulley – how hard can it be . It goes up , it comes down - its not nuclear fission – have they hired the village idiot to perform this complex task – was there no one left with a brain at “lifts R us” – maybe the guy has a deformity – like no limbs and he is recabling the antiquated piece of crap with his teeth (in which case I should go watch – you don’t see shit like that every day ) .

Now I am all sweaty and out of breath looking like a migrating buffalo and its not even 8 o’clock (won’t be able to do any work because my hooves can’t bang out any code on the key board )- probably going to attract flies around 9 . on the upside at least I worked off some of the weekend’s beer - not that 4 flights of stairs would have made a dent (that could only be accomplished if I hade a nasty run in with a liposuction machine in a dark alley )

Anyway – I am off to install a make shift pulley system outside my office window – counter balance myself with someone from middle management –I will tell him it’s a team building exercise .

My boyfriend brad

Everyone at work it seems has started putting poncy pictures of their girlfriends / fiancés /wives/sheep on their desks……… *vomit* ……I am surrounded by nancy boys – think the manhood has been sucked out of the computer profession completely - won’t be surprised if they start rocking up at work in frocks. The only items that personally identify me are a droogies antidote of some description (usually large bottle of water ) , 4 coffee cups and an array of important looking documentation that creates the impression of frenzied activity but is really a cunning and foxlike ruse . (yes I am a genius - applause and adoration for the intelligent one)

Anyway I was starting to feel a bit left out - so I thought I would bring in one of the photo’s of my ex (yes I know that sounds very sad – but before you start donning your funeral gear for my spine I should mention I super-imposed Brad Pits head on his body )

Must say the new arrival generated much interest in open plan ( even though everyone probably thought oh shame spinster girl has brought in a picture of her cat …….. BUT THEY WERE WRONG ……….*evil cackle * … it was my new boyfriend Brad (even though brad has not been alerted to the existence of the relationship , I don’t foresee any complications – most of my previous relationships survived on less personal involvement)

The novelty however wore of rather quickly though – quicker than I had hoped (brad just doesn’t understand me – he is just not in touch with my needs *bwa haha ha ha ha *)

and also Brads head was to big for the ex’s body – it looked like he had water on the brain - he was a little HEAD strong - got a little bit a HEAD of himself - a little HEADonistic if you know what I mean

Okay …………..so I am sad bitch ……………….you’re fat

Day from hell

The day from hell reared its unfortunate looking head early on in that I had to get up at sparrows fart to attend an 8 am meeting … Who organises a meeting at 8 in the morning what sick bastard ass kissing fiend gets to work at that time – future managers of south africa mailing list member no doubt – should be burnt at the steak . almost shoved my cell phone up my own ass when it started bleeping its little head off.

Couldn’t find my glasses and being on a par with Helen Keller in terms of visual capability looking for stuff is somewhat of a challenge – especially if that item is my visual aid – in fact the world to me pretty much looks like a monet painting close up making - the distinction of individual items a non event , so due to the frustration gene which is highly dominant in my DNA I gave up looking for the glasses at the onset of the palpitations and felt my way to the shower - which had a somewhat calming effect until I dropped the soap into the “monet-like” abyss and had to bend floorwards for a closer look resulting me in slamming my head into the soap dish (which of course I didn’t see ) so now my vision is further blurred by mild concussion (although the banging of the head was not a serious player in the day from hell as those of you that know me know I tend to hit m y head on stuff a lot – natural selection of the brain cells and stuff) - I eventually got out alive – and commenced my morning chico 1.3 stand off (fortunately the car succumbed to my foul mood , else there may have been problems)


Anyway , because of my already rough morning I thought I would treat myself to vida coffee only to arrive and see that there must be a middle management conference in town as there was a queue from hell just radiating incompetence and stupidity – I mean who stands in a 10 minute queue and gets to the front and still doesn’t know what to order – MY GOD – they sell coffee – there is only coffee on the menu - how hard can it be???...... coffee or uh coffee………… the menu has less letters in it than a street sign – I will have the.....uh......uh…..ummmmm… THE COFFEE YOU STUPID PRICK – milk no milk .....aaaahhhh uuummmm ...... ummmmmm– ARE YOU LACTOSE INTOLERANT ? ......YES ? …..NO ?? can somebody PLEEEEAAASE switch on his brain it seems to have shut down – (vein throbbing excessively and about to burst through my forehead - considering banging head on coffee counter – however still concussed from shower episode so reconsider)

eventually get coffee – sick pricks have made the lids for the coffee cups just small enough for the cup so they don’t fit – abandon the lid idea for fear of losing it and stabbing clientele to death with teaspoon .....take sip....... get foam all over my head ......sigh

Arrive at work the lift is out ......... I work on the fourth floor ..... .God is punishing me …I have clearly pissed God off ......I begin the ascent and get a searing pain as a reminder from my thigh muscles that I spent some quality time at the gym recently , being tortured by one psychologically impaired nazi venting out his deep rooted anger at his father who didn’t accept him because he became a lycra clad mincing aerobics instructor rather than a lawyer ....... Manage to get up first flight...... starting to feel light headed ………….. gasping for air .......walk into wall as vision impaired by little stars floating around in line of sight .......... spill coffee on pants ........swear .

start to see the light at the end of the tunnel (not in sense of the optimistic cliché – actually think I have passed out and died – can hear dead relatives calling) ….recover …..find desk …………put head down ..................Rest is short lived , feel cold shiver down my spine and the presence of ineptitude engulf me.

Apparently the world has come to a grinding halt and I am the only person left alive (albeit barely - still struggling to breathe) that can fix it (all this and I forgot my cape) ………DIE YOU EVIL LITTLE MISCREANT ……If I cared about other peoples problems I would have become I fucking psychologist – so just shut your winy little bastard mouth and go phone your mother .

Day is still going crap …….but breathing at least returned to normal and employing a technique I call selective deafness and pretending to be on the phone a lot .