Death becomes me

The past few days I have been violently depressed, I wouldn’t quite say I was suicidal but I was definitely willing to kill someone – possibly a member of middle management – who you could replace with a house plant and no one would know they were even missing (in fact I think I nice “peace in the home” or African Violet might even be moderately more productive ) . so anyway this got me to thinking of more creative ways to kill myself (or someone else) …and these are copyrighted so if the makers of CSI run out of ideas they are so going to have to show me the money

Throw yourself on the electric fencing, stay there until you pass out

Accessibility : 9/10 this is Africa there is electric fencing everywhere
Entertainment value: 8 / 10 (convulsions and spasms likely to draw a crowd)
Success rate: 10/10 if you don’t get electrocuted the neighbours are likely to take your head of with a shot gun so they can be neighbourhood watch guy of the week
Hints: might be useful to wear balaclava and gloves and carry a big sack – also no rubber soled shoes

Drug overdose

Accessibility: 10/10 surprised there aren’t infomercials running 24 hours a day and a special aisle at the 7/11
Entertainment value: 9/ 10 Apparently you get to dance like you have actually fallen on an electric fence , act like an arrogant fuck , actually see African violets grow lips and talk and a variety of other side effects
Success rate: 2/10 apparently most of the time its just causes irreparable damage to the brain
Hints: best to hang out in club bathrooms or bring your own light bulb


Take public transport

Accessibility : 6/10 , taxis in SA , tube in UK , aeroplanes in USA
Entertainment value: 1/10 - generally pretty fucking boring
Success rate: 2/ 10 - generally dependant other factors like the political climate
Hints: piss off some terrorists. Sending troops for no reason usually works, taxi wise – rush hour in the rain should do

Old age

Accessibility: 10/10 – it’s a game everyone can play
Entertainment value: 8/10 - generally whole lot of other losers to point and laugh at while you wait
Success rate: 10/10
Hints: pretty much just hang around and wait

That is all

to new best friends

ever since my revelation , that the world is infested with socially degenerate pudding heads marked by a lack of mental acuity , and there is in fact no hope for the human race which I for one truly believe in the end will stupid itself to death - I have decided I need to associate with individuals that can survive the holocaust – Meet my new best friends – a vision of solidarity and support . awe inspiring *knuckle bite*

the world is harbouring 'tards

People are stupid. Now I know placing this statement boldly like this and in print implies that maybe this comes as a surprise to me or I have only just found out, but in fact it’s a hypothesis that I have had for some time now - the roots of which of course sprung from the recesses of the grossly retarded brain of middle management as I watched them curiously - as a child watches monkeys wipe their poo on a zoo wall – repeating the same outlandish illogical behaviour with their vacant stares , their fits of wild flailing arm movements and brainless vocal meanderings and their completely inexplicable feeling of self importance and worth – just asking for a cattle prod really

It is after extensive study I have to draw my conclusion - people are in fact stupid - and it is with sheer amazement and with an utter lack of comprehension that I try and grasp the concept that they have managed to survive this long and in all their stupidity believe that they actually dominate the world . Bugs dominate the world , people just run around into walls and speak drivel .

As such I am withdrawing from the human race – I have always considered myself to be a step above and from now on I will be classified as a god .I have a full intentions of getting a golden idol erected in my honour and convincing the stupid masses to worship me

All hail the child prodigy , at the end of the world its just going to be me and the bugs