5 alternate careers for middle management

1. Speed bump
2. Chum (for shark cage diving)
3. Cadaver
4. Dart boad
5. Crash test dummy

who ordered the portion of stupid

Okay so if the members of my body corporate had to challenge middle management to a death match they would both probably die of incompetence or blatant stupidity before the first punch was thrown. I think maybe the levy I pay every month is actually going to brain removal operations rather than general maintenance and upkeep.

Our security gate is STILL broken and my satellite is STILL not working – fortunately though …. since the B.C. (brain challenged body corporate ) were so efficient at erecting the Big Ass “NO HOOTING” signs and sending out their henchman to enforce the policy – there has been no actual hooting - which as you will agree - is way more important than protecting one’s assets or keeping one entertained.

Yes the tyrannical rule of the brain dead prevails at my complex - I can even feel the stupid as I enter the purely aesthetic gates ...... while simultaneously NOT hooting in fear that the B.C. will bound out and take out their inferiority complex on me….again........

(speculating that inferiority complex is fuelled entirely by incredibly small penis and abusive relationship with left hand )

*SHOUTING*

One day penguins will rule the world

So I went to watch March of the Penguins – God I love penguins …. I reckon just as god created beer because he loves me and wants me to be happy – he created penguins so I could guffaw my little pip off at them.

Since I can remember I have made the annual trek to the aquarium to watch them moulting …. Because if there is one thing that’s funnier than a penguin…… it’s a depressed penguin ….. with feathers sticking out of its pip …..at odd angles……. like a little penguin Mohican. …. *GUFFAW*

And of course pearlers like this don’t suck :





So anyway back to the documentary which enlightened me to the fact that apart from having the comedic value inherent in being one of the most stupid looking animals ever created (middle management being the other most stupid looking animal ever created, but less funny than mind numbingly frustrating) , penguins actually have THE BEST dating ritual EVER .

I mean they hook up at this big ass party every year, where everyone is single (no talk of curtains and joint bank accounts)….. They have a bit of a dance, a bit of knobbage and then the woman piss off to go hang out ….. while the men have to park off in minus 40 degree blizzards starving to death looking after the offspring …BWAAAAAAA HA HA – the ’guins have so got their men whupped !!!!!

Then … after the woman are done partying they come back , there’s no interrogation as to their whereabouts or why the didn’t call (…..but I looooooove you ….you complete me *spasm*)…... and no name calling …… just : thank god you are back, it was good…… later …… and then the men piss off - it’s the ideal relationship….. no having to pull the “lets just be friends” , “I see you more like a brother” scenario ..... no restraining orders or unfortunate pet deaths ...and definitely no “I’ve decided to emigrate ” (........I kid you not …twice …….you had me at lets just be friends) …

So anyway ……………..I am SO coming back as a penguin in my next life (cause in terms of reincarnation ……you really can’t beat supreme ruler of the universe!)

So what do you do ?

Why do people always insist on asking you what you do??? No matter what the circumstance, polite chit chat will always direct itself toward an enquiry about your chosen profession.

“Oh how nice to meet you”……. *uncomfortable pause*….. “ so what do you do ? “

*spasm*

“Well Bob, I’m actually a serial killer during the week and on weekends I like to randomly trip old ladies and pull the wings off flies”

WHY DO YOU CARE BOB……. WHY ?????

I mean it is the most inane question on gods earth .Who cares what I do for a living ? You certainly don’t! The discovery of my vocation can in no way enrich your life (unless of course I am a brain surgeon and you have recently realised your inherent retardation can actually be cured – which is unlikely – so I stick with my original hypothesis)

Its one of those reflex questions like:

“Hello, how are you?”

No one gives a donkeys arsehole how you really are - I mean god forbid I tell you about my blood pressure and latest bowel movement . You are supposed to respond with the customary “fine thank you and you?” –if of course vapour head even waits for an answer before launching into:

“so what do you do ??”

……“smack idiots like you upside the head …THAT is what I do ”


Dumbasses

Eating pavement

So I fell off a pavement yesterday …… WHO FALLS OFF A FUCKING PAVEMENT ….BUT OF COURSE - obviously karma is out to get me again and revoked my motor skills (must really stop poking fun at retards and torturing small furry animals )

So anyway I did a swan dive straight off the pavement bounced off the car at the stop street – which of course belonged to someone I know (well acknowledging nod kind of know ) grabbed the pant of the dude in front of me to break my fall – possibly subconsciously I thought If I could pull them down with me everyone would be more distracted by his exposed arse them me lying spread eagled on the tar eating pavement (literally) …..although my plan was thwarted as the pant wearer proceeded to scream like a little girl further drawing attention to my less then graceful decent into indignity (I later found out the poor guy thought I was a dog ….. ….tyre imprint on my forehead , ego bruised and bleeding from the knees and the dude still calls me a dog ?????? (……his funeral will be held a week from Thursday )

Only me ! …crawling around Sommerset road with grazed knees looking for my shoes

Obviously when you are a *super genius* and *ridiculously good looking* and *ruler of the known universe* - and your theme song is

Oh Lord it’s hard to be humble
when you’re perfect in everyway ,
I can’t wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better looking each day ….. etc etc etc

Humility doesn’t come easy …..so okay….. lesson learnt…. DAMN YOU KARMA …….DAMN YOU TO HELL !!!

Ode to Middle Management

I greet each day with forced optimism
That your ingrained stupidity won’t bring on a spasm
I take a deep breath and I count to ten
I can’t be restrained for assault again

Your levels of incompetence and vacant head
Lead me to believe you may be brain dead
I’m surprised you have the motor skills that you do
I’ve seen more promise in a chicken with flu
…a Jimmy Choo
….a piece of bamboo
… a retarded Gnu


(like to provide alternate endings ....very "Layer Cake" )

the lights are (not) on and nobody's home

It seems everyone else is poking fun at ESKOM / KOEBERG so I thought I would try my hand at it as well

Cape Town is being renamed from the mother city to the mushroom city (because we are being kept in the dark)

that is all

....I'm here all week