Pole Dancing 101

So for the past couple of years I have jested that should my career in world domination, mass culling and the odd smiting not pan out I would take up pole dancing. It finally occurred to me that in the very unlikely event my tyrannical rule should come to an end I should at least know how to pole dance – you know just in case – for shits and giggles.

So off I plodded to pole dancing 101, where I had to sign an indemnity form - ya really - like in case the pole attacked me or I stubbed my toe on it …*whatever*…. 4 bottles of French champagne later when I head butted the pole while attempting to stabilise myself after a double twist with a “madonna” thrown in - it dawned on me what the what the form was for.

What kind of sick bitch exponentially increases the difficulty of each move proportionately to the amount of liquor consumed – I mean it was like she was toying with us …….like a bunch of lab rats – really slow ,uncoordinated lab rats swinging on a pole …… but lab rats none the less.

So anyway on about my second move while seductively sliding down the pole (and by seductively I mean clinging to the pole like it was the last raft off the Titanic ) I managed to pull a thigh muscle which of course rendered me immobile - lying on the floor like and injured pigeon and wondering if there is much demand for lame pole dancers or if they pretty much get shot like old race horses (I think that at this point I probably would have opted for the mercy killing )

Not wanting to be outdone ( ever and especially not by a pole ) I fortified myself with some more expensive champagne and decided to take the pole on – one on one - cue music from rocky - because at this stage I did have the swan like elegance of a midget Italian screaming “AAADDRRIIAAAN” with blood running out of my nose (from head butting the pole)

I would like to say I mastered the art (although that would be like saying Keanu Reeves mastered the art of acting )–But I did have a crap load of fun doing it (how can you not enjoy an evening that ends with gratuitous boob flashing and somebody singing into a vibrator while you’re swinging off a pole – I mean life doesn’t get better than that really) ….although for now I’ll stick to unscrupulous reign (less blood noses)