Lions vs Hyenas

I need to take this opportunity to introduce you to a new theory regarding the penis warriors of our time, you will find it provides somewhat of an explanation into my latent inability to find a man, which has for some time been the source of much sympathetic head shaking and tut tutting , as I lack neither the skills nor do I look like the ass end of an aging bulldog …..and also its not like I have a crap load of self respect or pride – so it is obvious there must be some other logical explanation.

So after some extensive research and sole searching (read: the consumption of vast quantities of wine ) a new theory was born . A theory so beautiful in its simplicity and whose roots spring from mother nature herself (who personally I think is a bitch with a fucked up sense of humour but for some reasons the pagans worship her – but then again they are tree hugging hippies that should be shot – so who cares really )

The theory states there are 2 types of men – hyena’s and lions - we want to get hunted by lions but instead we get stalked by hyena’s , dirty moth eaten foul smelling mentally challenged flea bitten dogs that hunt in packs – ( which reminds me what else comes in a pack - pack of cigarettes ?? pack of lies ?? - these are not things that are good for you ) ………..lions however live in family units called prides (enough said )

Hyena’s are also not particularly perturbed with what it is they hunt – in fact they would be quite happy with a four week old rotting carcass (oooohhh doesn’t that make you feel special – you could be half decayed and dropping body parts with a vulture circling you head and they would be wiping the drool from their yellowed teeth ) where as with the lions, they just sit back (looking all hot and majestic like they just stepped off a coat of arms) and wait for the kill to come to them – so short of stabbing yourself in the head and throwing yourself at them they are unlikely to notice you and even then they would probably rip off a thigh and bugger off to screw the 5 bitches they already have lined up – so its really a lose-lose situation .

This theory can also clearly explain fat ugly chicks always seem to have boyfriends and why a fine specimen like me is still on the shelf. It really is the basic premise of natural selection …….. In a herd of buck its always the older sickly buck that get killed off first as they are easier to catch – a natural culling so to speak - so as to keep all the good strong genes within the herd - hence the reason why the fat ugly chicks are picked up first - easier to catch …logical yes?

I leave you with one word …MUFASA