wad of ..........of the week

This weeks profanity ....... *drum roll* ...."Mother fuck you , fuck fuck"

This weeks quote....... *shouting* ......"eat me and then eat pavement"

*gurgle*

I’m an alcoholic
Short and stout
smoking and drinking’s
what I’m about
When I get all beered up
I just shout
fall right over
and passout

Setting Objectives

Whilst living the corporate high life you get the opportunity to perform such menial tasks (amongst a plethora of others ) as setting your objectives for the year . I pondered what I thought I should accomplish this year and came up with the following list – will check in next year to see how well I faired

1. Drink more this year
2. Perfect my ‘West Side’ hand signals.
3. Publicly humiliate/insult /bitch slap middle management at every opportunity
4. Learn to burp the alphabet
5. Do *horns* , *britney hair* and *the knee* at least once a day
6. Always order Super Size when asked.
7. Refer to everyone as a “minion”
8. Give the schmo more drinks that are on fire
9. Take my frustration out on people that can’t defend themselves
10. Attend more functions where the booze is free
11. Make more enemies
12. Persecute existing enemies
13. Become a supreme ruler of the earth or cook a home cooked meal whichever comes first (am going with supreme ruler)
    

Ode to the binge drink

There has been much publicity lately on a new phenomenon that has become known as binge drinking , for some reason most of these articles are shrouded in a cloak of negativity and connotations as to imply that binge drinking is in some way “wrong” and “bad for you” . ya WHATEVER …I am the best looking , richest and better then everyone on a good binge drink – how is that bad ?

Sober fuckers .

As I sit at my desk on this fine morning, tongue stuck to the roof of mouth and feeling like I have been licking pool tables all night ………..and not overly convinced I have sobered up yet (fortunately my brain is to sore to analyse this at length and has to reallocate resources to trying to keep my contact lenses in my pip because my eyeballs are dehydrated) ….I am getting blinded by the fluorescent lights even though the amount of light penetrating the slits that were formerly recognisable as my eyes is miniscule at best …massive effort to keep my upper eyelids up really – feeling decidedly Asian this morning

Interesting ……….

So anyway …did you know ……………and I quote ……….. or maybe I made it up – I dunno I was drunk ……… “Half of adult New Zealanders in all walks of life believe it is socially acceptable to get drunk” …… pretty fucking advanced nation that…. well all of the adult south Africans at this desk think that not only is it socially acceptable but its goddamn important …..I bet its also socially acceptable over there to be an unmarried 30 year old female (with no joint bank account or repetitive exposure to the missionary position……hmmm …might have to move ) …on that note however ….. I thinks its time we had a good sit down and reclassified a couple more activities as “social acceptable behaviour” ….like public stoning of middle management (Monday through Thursdays ) for example

~my breath is making me nauseous~


I read (in the “you” ……that bible of information …that resource of intellect) that some 21year old Mexican chugged 50 shots of tequila in a down down competition and died ….well that is just stupidity really – know your capacity dumb fuck …..take a vomit break….. go get a pie .

Some doctor guy went on to say that it is “rare to drink yourself to death in one sitting, but does happen” ………..well obviously not in one sitting ……..*duh*…...no one sits for that long….. Every now and then you have to get up and do *britney hair* and *horns* and the *the sprinkler* . Anyway I think its comforting to know that when looking into suicide there is another option…its important to have choices …..Cutting your wrists is really sooooo eighties . Doctor guy also said alcohol related deaths are more often as a result of drunk driving and drowning (or the combo maybe ??? ……like if you drive your car into the swimming pool and drown )

Binge drinking is classified as 5 or more alcoholic drinks at one sitting at least once a week , I pondered this while opening my 3rd bottle of wine …wondering do they mean 4 or 5 different beverages at one time (and would one use a funnel to do this simultaneous consumption ) or is it 5 bottles of wine drunk consecutively over the aforementioned sitting ??? such hard questions I though to myself while affectionately patting the wine bottle .


~Just plugged myself into my dialysis machine~

Apparently “It is never okay to get drunk." – but what if it’s a Friday and you are at after work drinks – and the beer is free – surely its okay then ??? I mean ……free beer …….they are asking for it ..its like a big ass flashing neon sign “GET DRUNK NOW ”


And anyway the human body produces its own supply of alcohol naturally on a continuous basis, 24 hours a day, seven days a week – so actually the way I see it ….. I am just helping the body out …eeeeeeaaasing the load really …….letting the body concentrate on more important things…………………. like cleaning out my liver and spleen


Effects of binge drinking

(apart from becoming ridiculously good looking .and rich ……and better than everyone)

~gag~

1.
Excess toxic to brain, liver, nerves ,heart and most organs …...may lead to brain damage (so….. I can still get a job in middle management ) – liver / heart failure (what are transplants for *duh*) …..apparently each session causes permanent damage ……….so does banging my head repetitively on my desk every time middle management utters some “pearl of wisdom ”

2.
Long term abuse causes acute pancreatitus - the pancreas (apparently we have this organ called a pancreas that produces hormones like insulin ……who knew? ) swells causing pain and vomiting (at least you will be fabulously thin although slightly uncomfortable – although being a binge drinker you should be no stranger to projectile vomiting ) and then wastes away

3.
memory problems particularly short term (this I think might come in rather handy in fact…

I mean at work …

middle management : *grunt*……*wild hand gesture* why didn’t you make deadline? *snort*
prodigy : Well you see I am a binge drinker and it affects my memory so I forgot ……..
prodigy :.whats a deadline?
prodigy :.No I don’t remember calling you the genetically mutated offspring of a retarded plankton with the mental capacity of rocking horse poo ?

And also ……. there is that incident with the Argentinean rugby player that I would rather forget …should have drunk more

4.
Inhibits production of testosterone , needed for erection (hey…. I don’t have a penis …well not my own anyway ….so this affects me how??? ) ……… diminishes penis size (once again…. no penis) . Upsets the balance of male and female hormones in body ( would probably account for that moustache I am growing )

The effects of binge drinking depends largely on what you weigh , if you are male or female and your tolerance level ….. so if you are a fat ass male with a high tolerance you can binge drink the crap out of it ……..which you probably have to because you’re male and fat and probably have no friends

So are you a binge drinker ?

An Interactive Self-Assessment of Alcohol Abuse for Young People
Answer these short "Yes or No" questions to see if you might need help. : The idea here is to get less than 3 yes answers *hysterical laughter and rolling on the floor *

1. Do you use alcohol build self-confidence? No I am already confident I use alcohol to assist me in falling over things and banging my head on stuff
2. Do you ever drink immediately after you have a problem at home, school, or work? sometimes I have to drive to the pub first ?
3. Have you ever missed work or school due to alcohol? No I have always managed to find work again .its generally in the same spot …. have missed a couple of steps though
4. Does it bother you if someone says that you use too much alcohol? Yes because then I have to work up a sweat bitch slapping their methaphobic asses into submission
5. Have you started hanging out with a heavy drinking crowd? My friends ….drink ??? ……only after chess club ………
6. Is alcohol affecting your reputation? You can only improve on “beer chugging gutter slut ”
7. Do you feel guilty or bummed out after using alcohol? Only if the amstel ran out and I had to drink windhoek
8. Do you feel more at ease on a date or social event when drinking ? wouldn’t know …would have to actually GO on a date to answer that one
9. Have you gotten into trouble at home, work, or school for using alcohol? Ya I wouldn’t share the amstels with the other guys
10. Do you borrow money or "do without" other things to buy alcohol? No I am rich
11. Do you feel a sense of power when you use alcohol? No …but I do when I am holding a big stick
12. Have you lost friends since you started using alcohol? I wouldn’t know …binge drinking affects your short term memory …I dunno how many friends I started out with
13. Do you drink until your supply is all gone? Yes and then I go buy more
14. Do you ever wake up and wonder what happened the night before? Yes especially when I wake up with branches in my hair and a traffic cone up my arse
15. Have you ever been arrested or hospitalized due to alcohol? No I binge drink responsibly
16. Have you ever tried to quit or to cut back using alcohol? why would I do that ???
17. Has there ever been someone in your family with a drinking problem? Define problem??
18. Could you have a problem with alcohol? Only when alcohol “gets all up in my face” about something

Stupid things I have done recently

• Burnt my ear on my straightening iron (nasty looking welt on “dried apricot”)
• Round house kicked a piece of office furniture
• Bought a set of dumbbells (for what god alone knows - maybe I can throw them at middle management)
• Accidentally called the boy I am infatuated with a homo (replied to the wrong email )
• Thought a car salesman was telling the truth (new group of people to despise)
• Done a katabox class after 3 beers ( High degree of difficulty ..and brings new meaning to the word dehydrated )
• Bunked work to get a full body massage (not the stupid bit ) ….. massage went overtime making me late for my weekly meeting (still not stupid ) …..arrived back and went rushing in to meeting apologising profusely about an “appointment” that went over time (no – not stupid ) …..forgot to check myself in the mirror before rushing in and attended entire meeting with pillow mark down my cheek (stupid)

10 things I hate

In no particular order (although middle management is way up there – will dedicate a separate hate blog to them at some point )

1. Members of the body corporate : for some reason …god alone knows what – in my complex living enriched life – I have been punished …. forced to repay some massive karmic debt …which comes in the form of “the body corporate” …or more specifically some sad wanker that can only find self worth in enforcing body corporate rules (although wanker is probably not the most accurate terminology as I suspect not even his hand could muster enough respect for him ) I have encountered such gems as fat ugly neighbour (traffic cone on the roof of my car ) , the aids patient (who kept up, while shaking his finger, with my “speeding car ”) and the throbbing vein (penalty fine )
2. middle management (worthy of genocide)
3. wax models (we’ll leave it at that)
4. Tut Tutters : The general population that expect that because you are approaching thirty and are still single and without any prospect of marriage that you are a complete and utter failure at life and who “ tut tut “ sympathetically at you and say “don’t worry it will happen for you one day ” – WHAT ???? Missionary position and joint bank accounts………….. I DON”T THINK SO !!!! these people especially piss me off and could seriously go all bowling for columbine on there asses - each time I hear the condescending little tut tut – I feel myself rising to new levels of hysteria - my eyes start popping out of my head and I am pretty sure one of these days I am going to crack and take a salad fork to one of them
5. When there is no amstel
6. People touching me with their feet
7. Losers : People that go “are you cross with me ?” well if you are asking me that, you have clearly done something to piss me off – which I am clearly unaware of as if I was cross with you - you would know about it –I would have nailed your cat to you door , beaten you to death with a piece of light yet manoeuvrable piece of office furniture ……. or at the very least called you a cock bag
8. escapee gut : The living stomach that constantly feels a need to pop its bloated mass over the top of my jean pant
9. button pushers : people that suffer from such levels of retardation that when getting into a lift , they cannot grasp the seemingly simple task of pressing the button reflecting the number associated with their destined floor – like the lift has some built in artificial intelligence that can read minds or that you maybe randomly ride the lift all day until it happens upon your particular floor . Even worse when you are waiting for the lift and some dick head will come up and press the call button AGAIN – what do you think arsehole I just stand aimlessly in front of lifts all fucking day
10. The brain dead : People that imply that I am incompetent or stupid because I am unable to communicate at frequencies below that of plant growth and cannot fathom what it is you are trying to communicate to me with your series of grunts and wild hand gestures .