Stripping 101

So I went to a strip club last night - my local charity usually only requires me to drink for the children (an arduous task, but you know …it’s for the children) – however last night they required me to watch strippers as well (charity is never easy).

The club owner was a guy named Boris (as oppose to a more obvious strip club owner name like Eugene or Frank) and at first it was hard to distinguish the strippers from the patrons .. Until someone pointed out they were the ones in the lingerie with their bums showing (after that it was dead easy ) …also the ones hanging upside down off poles.. Definitely strippers.

So anyway that got me to pondering whether I should give up my dream of becoming a airhostess/ bank teller and pursue a career in stripping. After some evaluation of the vocation I came up with the following:

1. You need to wear stripper clothes (small clothes that come off easily )..…I sometimes need a crowbar to remove my Soviets - think it might ruin the fluidity of the movement if I drop to the floor and lie there grunting and tugging on my jean pant .

2. You have to dance with a pole …. I walk into poles

3. You have to wear stripper shoes… any pair of shoes that requires you to wear a harness and strap yourself in ( and are not recommended for people who suffer from vertigo) ….. are definitely not the shoes for me (sneakers or a nice pair of sandals – are NOT stripper shoes )

4. You have to be from Russia (or the Ukraine)..I do have a good Russian accent ….( мой мальчик горяч но ест мороженое с другой женщиной...vodka ….KGB....i vant too see SHARK...we go NOW)

5. You have to feign interest in offensive overweight middle aged men … I punch offensive overweight middle aged men in the head (and sometimes I have meetings with them and they say things like ..”Level the playing fields” and “What the value add?”)