Nature calls (repetitively)

There is a renegade cricket in the office - providing open plan with a cetain platteland ambiance –on walking in and hearing the little chirp chirp of our forest friend, I reminisced briefly on the extensive outdoors lifestyle I have lived over the years (walking to my car after opium etc ………) - of course it wasn’t until a couple of minutes later that I noticed the little bastard was still chirping ………….. loudly …. and showing no signs of surrender ………………... taunting me in fact …….was preparing to stomp his little head in with my platform shoe . (but then had visions of myself running around the office with one barefoot – goonie goo goo hair - and a crazed look in my eye …..and after yesterdays attack on office furniture thought possibly I should keep a low profile )


…………..the little cock bag is still chirping , sending sharp edged punji sticks through my pip with every little chirrup – I can feel my eyes shudder in their sockets (could be last nights amstel …..but I am going with being punished by mother nature rather ……. [wisdom from the prodigy : NEVER assume responsibility for your actions .there is ALWAYS someone else to blame ] )

Am changing my plan of attack from vicious platform shoe stomping to bloody massacre – the cricket must suffer – will rip its little legs off and take it to a meeting with middle management …*gleeful rubbing of hands*……… no one can survive the onslaught of mind numbing stupidity wa ha ha ha ha ha

So what is going on with these crickets lately anyway – its like the plague – I think we are being punished (probably shouldn’t have driven over that priest with my car ) …...but let me ask you this – why crickets – why not the whole first born thing (die little fire pointing dwarf DIIIEEEEE) ……… maybe god is pissed at my blatent disregard of the whole “love thy neighbour” commandment , but I mean COME ON – he was hysterically flailing his arms (between bouts of angry finger pointing) and screaming incoherenty about “body corporate rules” and “penalty fines” … what’s a girl to do (maybe the pellet gun was a little harsh ….but I didn’t feel I was getting through to him with the expletives ) ………..next time will just shove a cricket up his ass

Attack of the killer dwarf

So in breaking with my standard Sunday afternoon ritual (quality time on the couch with very little brain activity and sometimes a bit of drooling really) I decided to go to concert in the park at Kirstenbosch to spend some quality time with my pic-nic blanket and a cold amstel or seven .

Anyway little did I know I would be faced with some emaciated wannabee celebrity bleating from the stage in her prozac happy little voice that there will be no smoking at the open air concert (hmm ya whatever ) – so stick bitch eventually rally’s up some kids to be fire marshals and shout fire at disobendient smokers - yes we have reverted back to kindergarten – gone are the days of sex drugs and rock and roll – attending concerts these days is a politically correct, environment friendly, child friendly, low risk and apparantly smoke free event (oh the rush of living life on the edge) ……….almost set the appletiser umbrella alight to demonstrate my disdain

So anyway all is going well – everyone blatantly ignoring the non smoking instructions and lighting up - so decide to move quietly and respectfully to the edge of the path – and light up ..............lo and behold – as luck would have it – out of the thousand people having a merry old puff ........out of no where a carniverous little dwarf with a taste for blood appears . the spawn of satan itself with its stubby little finger starts pointing at me and shounting fire on the top of its shrill little voice………….. while I am trying to burrow a hole under the pic-nic blanket all the while trying to keep my smoke alive (having to pay for my own cigarrettes now so am loathe to just stub a full one out even if there is a midget with a set of lungs the size of paverotti having a little screaach at me - although was seriously pondering stubbing it out in her eye if she wasn’t attached to her mother at the time (who I am assuming was satan herself as she birthed the spawn ) – I shoud have thrown holy water on both of them –Unfortunately I couldn’t co-ordinate holy water throwing - slash - pic- nic blanket burrowing - amstel drinking - slash smoking - all at one time . And to add salt to the wound there is this “tree hugging haven’t bathed in weeks worship pagan gods or the lamp shade in the corner of the tv room depending what I am on this week “ sitting next to me sucking back on the fatest doobie I have ever seen – in fact there were men that developed penis envy on catching a glimpse of the magnitude of the zol – does she get harrased buy any dwarfs noooooooooooooooooooo – only me surreptitiously trying to enjoy a styvie on the path away from the crowds being all considerate shit – fucking kids - think I should reinstitute that whole killing of the fisrtborn thing with severe maiming to the 2nd born and a brutal beating to the 3rd – little fire shouter – little fucking trouper – give her a scout badge – pin it to her ear .