The perils of partying

I Attended a wedding on Saturday and fortunately was so reckless in my behaviour that I was able to put together an in depth study of the dangers involved in partaking in the party.

The first and most immediate risk is the accumulation of UPI ‘s (unidentified Party injury ) I was fortunate enough accumulate a nice variety including a grazed knee (it appears I managed to draw blood - always a good sign) a bruised elbow and some pulled neck muscles – although the neck muscles I think arose out of the urgent need I developed after the 5th tequila to be a professional tango dancer and get dipped after each reasonably well executed movement (well executed being managing to do a swing without hitting a table or innocent bystanders ) this was an interesting twist on the general tequila progression - which usually follows the pattern of on the 3rd tequila I get good looking - the 4th one rich and now an interesting spin on the 5th (which is generally when I become an all knowing genius ) I became a professional dancer …..fabulous ………. the grazed knee remains a mystery , as well as the elbow -although bruising is a generally a low order UPI and the most frequently accumulated - so I am not to preoccupied with that – the graze however certainly does take it to a new level .

Then of course you have PPR (Post Party Remorse ) now generally it is sufficient to wake up in the morning with your tongue stuck to the palate of your mouth and gagging from the foulness of your own breath , before becoming conscious enough to realise that your liver is spasming from being overworked and has actually forcefully ripped itself from your body and is currently dousing itself under the cold tap and using the shaver plug socket as a make shift defibrillator to reinstitute a pulse . At this point your kidneys are also making a break for it and so would your lungs be , however they are too weighed down by tar to get very far . Far worse than the physical symptoms of PPR however are the psychological ones , these will become immediately apparent on picking up your phone and scrolling through your call list – or what I find especially degrading is going through my sms sent items - apparently (although a carrier of the family “proud” gene - this gene becomes recessive in nature at the introduction of alcohol causing me to repetitively profess my undying love to my ex with some choice sms’s - because of course he wants to hear my spineless ramblings at 4 in the morning - in fact he finds my weak patheticness quite attractive and just can’t understand what he was thinking moving on with his life - also the challenge of deciphering poorly utilised predictive text is particularly exciting ) . such severe cases of PPR can result in further UPI’s when the victims attempt to kill themselves by flinging themselves from a window or repetitively banging their heads on a wall while wailing and gnashing their teeth

Needless to say it was a job well done and I celebrated my achievement by confining myself to the couch for the rest of the day